A few days ago, I had the final fight with a friend I have known for at least 23 years. So yeah, this was the fight of the century type deal.
Anyways, what was it over? A misunderstanding on her part. I was showing concern, but she thought I was judging her.
She has been smoking weed and drinking heavily for at least the past two years. I was getting concerned that she might be on the verge of being an alcoholic. She blows up on me in a fit of rage. I defend myself, calmly. She blows up even more and has quite possibly spread bad things around about me. She is in her mid twenties and is still acting like a child.
This has happened before, but those times, I was nice and we remained friends. This time, this time, it is just over. She even had the nerve to leave nasty messages on my phone and in texts to my phone.
The majority of this is from a rant I had last week in my journal, but it's still true. And I figured it would be an appropriate rant for this community, as well as this time of year, since I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way.
I'm sick of the fact that some people just use the holidays to suck their parents and loved one's wallets dry. And it makes me sad. I mean yeah, Christmas has basically become a commercialized product, but do people have to milk it so fucking bad? Get off the teet! I can see people getting a couple things. That they actually NEED...but to go on in excessive detail about all this useless junk that you can live without but are oh so excited to get just makes me sick. This is something that is typical of children! "I want this, I want that. Mommy gimme that or I'll cry!!" But has also been portrayed in my age range as well. This greed that comes with the holidays is really sickening. What ever happened to the time that people got FRUIT for Christmas? By today's standards that wouldn't be the least bit acceptable. What happened, for arguments sake, to the ACTUAL meaning of Christmas? (ie) CHRIST'S BIRTH! I'm sure that wasn't in the deal that he wanted everyone to get thousands of dollars worth of useless junk to celebrate his birthday. Even though I don't really believe in an organized religion at the moment, I, as well as thousands of others, can see how drastically the focus has been taken off of the actual meaning of Christmas.
I like Christmas because it means getting together with family and hiding the dysfunction for at least a day. I like it for the snow and Christmas Carols and the awesome TV movies. I like it because I can get people presents, that don't have to be worth hundreds of dollars, and it still brings a smile to their face. I like it because it means family. Not presents. Presents are just a bonus. I don't expect them. But if I get them, then that's okay. I'll buy someone a gift and not have to expect anything back, and get pissed off when there's nothing in return. That's not the point of giving. You give because you want to. And you never expect anything in return.
I just hate the whole 'gimme gimme' attitude concerning Christmas. Kids are super spoiled, and I guess that just carries on as they get older. You would kind of think that they would grow out of it, but old habits die hard.
Tis the season to be JOLLY, not GREEDY.
FUCK Why must I continue to pretend that I am A ok??? Why because i am conditioned to do so. I feel that life is great, take it day by day. yet i am full of negative emotions followed by others, followed by a little positive out back in the korner of it all. What the fuck is wrong with me?? oh wait I know what it is!!! PROBLEMS!! FUCK THE MONEY PROBLEMS I am talking about dissapointing myself, bashing, having too high expectations. I feel less than I am. I feel ugly, and obese, dull and worthless these past weeks. Is it just a girl thing to feel this way, or is it just something for me to concentrate on, to focus on it to make it worse??? But yet in some other twisted way to make me feel better. I know I should just get up my fat arse and do something, stop eating do something of that amount or energy taking. Something of that capacity. GO for a fucking run, and wear some nice pretty frilly cloths with some lipstick. BLAH!!! its one of these days where you dont want to be seen, but what happens when that day becomes several, then into weeks, then months??? *sighs*
its shall be done... i know what i am going to do now.
FUCKING SOCIETY AND ITS FALSE IMAGES OF BEAUTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK
You'd think I would be losing sleep over exams and last-minute assignments like a normal student, but I choose to take this time to relax-- why wait for summer vacation, two weeks away, when I can relax now? I have never taken this school very seriously; I barely show up, and write my essays half-assly, and I somehow maintain a 3.7gpa. Why work when you don't have to? Why have an A+ when you can have an A? I just cannot be bothered. Lately I have gotten a little pompous, and I havn't even bothered to do some of my assignments lately. But the thought of even looking them over, let alone doing them, just makes me want to roll over and die. I mean, so what? My philosophy paper is worth 20% or something, but if I just didn't do it, I'd still have a B. My psychology paper is only worth 9%, so it basically won't change my mark at all. My Law paper is done, I just can't be bothered to print it off and show up for class. Lit, somehow managed to get done on time, after much peer pressure. And, let's face it, I had nothing better to do on a Wednesday night and it passed the time. I should be in class now, but I just cannot be bothered. I just don't care anymore. Why try if you don't have to.
On another note, while everyone else has their summers planned out to a t, do I know what I am doing? Of course not. I am registered for summer classes and I have my deposit down on my summer place, but my mind is wandering already. I realized that in taking my second year over the summer, I am a year ahead, i.e. I will graduate sooner. I want to stay in school as long as possible to avoid getting a real job and growing up. I mean honestly, would you want a twenty-one year old me teaching your kids the arts? Didn't think so. But I didn't want to teach them anyways. The life plan is a mess yet again. First I wanted to be a photojournalist, but that dream was dashed when I realized the boundaries and conformist attitudes of Journalism this year. Then I wanted to be a teacher, but how can I possibly teach if I know nothing? Basically this is my parents' dream, and I guess I am just sick of disappointing them again and again, and finally they seem to think I'm "on track". I feel bad taking their money and basically lying when I nod my head that everything is fine.
Nothing has ever been so fucked up.
I think there is more than a lack of motivation in my life. I think there might actually be something wrong with me? Why do I not seem to give a shit about anything? Why am I trying to get as far away from here as possible even though I don't particularly want to?
Those pills I have been saving for a rainy day... well I think it's time.
Ok so I totally forgot about this place...what a shame! So many rants I could had posted.
Of course I'm here for a reason...I have a beef...WITH MYSELF! Odd to be ranting about myself I know...but hell!
I have to be the most unmotivated person in the world this week. This is my second last week of classes, classes? wait I havnt been to those in a while! thats my problem. What have I been doing? GETTING DRUNK! In fact it's almost 2 pm and Im having a drink. Only because my roommate offered it to me, but Im SICK and Im hungover!
I have to say the last 2 days were awesome...I needed a good party...but not NOW! IM AN IDIOT! lol
I have 2 MAJOR papers due next week...and a douzen journal articles to keep up with. And after all this, I have to start studying. This means hard core work ALL weekend. Which sucks of course cause Im missing out on all the fun. After this drink...no more till last class bash. That's right, Im not drinking on April 6th. *GASP*, well I cant!! unless Im done allll my work. *crosses fingers*. OH and the other issue I have with myself. Ive been wasting SOOO much money on, what else...going out and getting drunk.
Oh but it was worth it, even though Im so sick...I lost my voice, wonderfull....and I missed 2 classes already today.
Well there's my rant...*phew*, man that Nat girl is a dumb ass :P
A plus Tard
You know what I hate?
I have led a very sheltered life, a relatively happy and innocent life. And now all of a sudden I am faced with such things as racism, hate, and prejudice. I prefered my ignorant little existence.
I also hate how no matter how thin you are, it's just not good enough. Why do we have to be skinny to be pretty? Who decided this anyways. I can't decide if my breasts are too big or too small for my body. I'm scared of eating food more than three times a day.
I hate when the truth hurts, and I hate this on again off again weather. I miss home; the weather there is not crazy schizophrenic like here. Ever notice how no matter how clean your dorm floor is, there will always be just enough sand to get between your toes/in your bed, just enough to keep you up at night. I also hate that I am growing allergies. I never had allergies before; we'll just blame it on the old building I live in.
I'm excited to go home and pretend that we're still in high school and things are still simple and pretty. I'm excited to see my mother and spend quiet nights in with her and my pets. Having the house to ourselves. Home-cooked meals, a big comfy bed to myself, heat. Taking showers completely naked; no sandals required. Not having to bus or cab it around town. Being surrounded by familiarity. I am suddenly peaceful.
random RaNdOm RANDOM... so many thoughts flounder about. No real purpose here, just avoiding packing and showering. I found my SuperStar CarWash CD cleaning, so I am rotating between that and Ohia's latest.
Laundry party with Mel. I love my room mate. She makes me smile and keeps me up at all hours with mindless chatter of boys and love <3
All My Love To Him,
So I cant help but notice the lack of members in this community! hehe
so anyone who's watching this...but isnt a member...JOIN!!
I know everyone has something to rant about...
Anyways...anyone who is a member...PROMOTE PROMOTE PROMOTE! Or I'll kick ya all in an uncomfortable place =P
just watch out for those place where they hate promos and text posts.
no rant for now...Im a happy little peach
HOLY FUCK! youd think I was the plague! Im pissed...or sad..or both?
I HATE BOYS!
fuck him...no wait...DONE THAT!
nice to see he's ignoring me. Yeah well if he can ignore me so easily, then he'll be fine going to the movies without me.
Did I mention I hate boys? CAUSE I DO!
I hate how STU is tight and I have so many fines to pay and late fees and how I'm probably not getting my offical marks ever.
[Oh yeah and how I'm 98% sure I'm getting evicted]
I hate Meredith,
I hate my room,
I hate STU
I hate Fredericton.
I hate how Ryan makes me feel like nothing else matters
I hate how he makes me forget everything else exists
I hate how there's going to be 300km between us
I hate that I just spilled wine all over myself
I hate how this building is so quiet it burns
I hate the enormous hangnail on my thumb
[I also hate the fact that I can't stop picking at it]
I hate waits at hospitals
I hate infections
I hate the cold and how I know I have to open the windows to vent this place out
I hate my parents for not knowing what goes through my mind
I hate everyone for not getting it, why can't people just read my mind
I hate my fish, they are always staring at me
I hate fucking Christmas
I hate how there is always something gnawing away at me, somewhere
I hate instinct
I hate love
I hate good things because all good things must come to an end
I hate cracking my head off the wall
I hate having an empty stomach that gets me too drunk too fast
I hate how I can't find the damn cap for my wine... it's still everywhere...
I hate having to wear contacts or glasses if I want to get a clue
I hate not knowing what the fuck I'm going to do
I hate reliance
I hate dependence
I hate feelings
I hate how I feel right now
I hate how I'm so depressed and negative all the time...
I hate myself....
So my ex-bf is comming to town. He just broke up with his gf...he just started talking to me again...called me twice in the past 2 days already...and Im meeting him at the smt and where comming here...alone.
Is this a bad idea? I didnt seem so bad to me, but it is a little odd that he's talking to me so much already. He's also supposed to come out for my birthday on the 20th. I guess I'll just take a deep breath and hope nothing happens. :|
Anyone Ive mentioned this too seemed to think it wasnt such a hot idea, but I mean we're friends....it should be all good right?
Anyway, this isnt much of a rant...just confusion, he never even talked to me this much when we went out! hehe...bois.