Kathryne (kats) wrote in u_r_ignorance,

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Lack of Motivation.

You'd think I would be losing sleep over exams and last-minute assignments like a normal student, but I choose to take this time to relax-- why wait for summer vacation, two weeks away, when I can relax now? I have never taken this school very seriously; I barely show up, and write my essays half-assly, and I somehow maintain a 3.7gpa. Why work when you don't have to? Why have an A+ when you can have an A? I just cannot be bothered. Lately I have gotten a little pompous, and I havn't even bothered to do some of my assignments lately. But the thought of even looking them over, let alone doing them, just makes me want to roll over and die. I mean, so what? My philosophy paper is worth 20% or something, but if I just didn't do it, I'd still have a B. My psychology paper is only worth 9%, so it basically won't change my mark at all. My Law paper is done, I just can't be bothered to print it off and show up for class. Lit, somehow managed to get done on time, after much peer pressure. And, let's face it, I had nothing better to do on a Wednesday night and it passed the time. I should be in class now, but I just cannot be bothered. I just don't care anymore. Why try if you don't have to.

On another note, while everyone else has their summers planned out to a t, do I know what I am doing? Of course not. I am registered for summer classes and I have my deposit down on my summer place, but my mind is wandering already. I realized that in taking my second year over the summer, I am a year ahead, i.e. I will graduate sooner. I want to stay in school as long as possible to avoid getting a real job and growing up. I mean honestly, would you want a twenty-one year old me teaching your kids the arts? Didn't think so. But I didn't want to teach them anyways. The life plan is a mess yet again. First I wanted to be a photojournalist, but that dream was dashed when I realized the boundaries and conformist attitudes of Journalism this year. Then I wanted to be a teacher, but how can I possibly teach if I know nothing? Basically this is my parents' dream, and I guess I am just sick of disappointing them again and again, and finally they seem to think I'm "on track". I feel bad taking their money and basically lying when I nod my head that everything is fine.

Nothing has ever been so fucked up.

I think there is more than a lack of motivation in my life. I think there might actually be something wrong with me? Why do I not seem to give a shit about anything? Why am I trying to get as far away from here as possible even though I don't particularly want to?

Those pills I have been saving for a rainy day... well I think it's time.
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