On another note, while everyone else has their summers planned out to a t, do I know what I am doing? Of course not. I am registered for summer classes and I have my deposit down on my summer place, but my mind is wandering already. I realized that in taking my second year over the summer, I am a year ahead, i.e. I will graduate sooner. I want to stay in school as long as possible to avoid getting a real job and growing up. I mean honestly, would you want a twenty-one year old me teaching your kids the arts? Didn't think so. But I didn't want to teach them anyways. The life plan is a mess yet again. First I wanted to be a photojournalist, but that dream was dashed when I realized the boundaries and conformist attitudes of Journalism this year. Then I wanted to be a teacher, but how can I possibly teach if I know nothing? Basically this is my parents' dream, and I guess I am just sick of disappointing them again and again, and finally they seem to think I'm "on track". I feel bad taking their money and basically lying when I nod my head that everything is fine.
Nothing has ever been so fucked up.
I think there is more than a lack of motivation in my life. I think there might actually be something wrong with me? Why do I not seem to give a shit about anything? Why am I trying to get as far away from here as possible even though I don't particularly want to?
Those pills I have been saving for a rainy day... well I think it's time.